Whose Line Is It anyway?
by ignotusn
Summary: The show where everything's made up, and the points don't matter!


Heya Peoples! I had this idea while watching "Whose Line?" and decided to write it up. I own neither FFVII or 'Whose Line?' ( also known as 'Green Screen'). Might be some tense-related problems, because I wrote it kind of quickly. Please ignore them. And Enjoy!

Yuffie, sitting behind a large desk covered in materia and a stripped top-hat looks up at the camera and smiles impishly. "Good Evening Good Peoples! And Welcome to 'Whose Line is it anyway?' the show were everything's made up, and the points don't matter! That's right! The points are just like...oh, never mind. I can't remember! Today is our first broadcast on International Comedy Chocobo (ICC). Unfortunately due to the nature of this network, we are running on a five second delay, so we can say anything from BEEP to BEEEEEEP and it'll just get beeped out! Isn't that awesome!"

Yuffie takes a deep breath, than continues on "Anyway. Today we have with us: Cloud Strife!" The camera zooms in on Cloud, who stares blankly at it. The crowd erupts into applause anyway. Shouts of "I want to bear your children" are heard from various fan girls.

"...Okaaaay. We also have Reno!" The red-head Turk grinned cheekily, and smiled at the camera, bringing about another round of applause from the crowd, as well as several wolf-whistles. "And where you have Reno, ya got to have Rude!" continued the ninja enthusiastically. The bald man waved at the crowd as well, but Reno attempts jumps in front of the camera and begins to dance and take off his suit jacket. More wolf-whistles. "NOT YET RENO!" Reno slouches and shrugs back into his jacket.

"And we also have Sephiroth, back from the dead to guest star on our Premiere!" The crowd erupted into applause once again. Sephiroth nods and waves his hand to quiet the crowd. "And last but not least...Elena is on Keyboard and Tseng will be accompanying on guitar, bass, or banjo!" Elena and Tseng grin and wave to the crowd as well. The camera cuts away to Yuffie, still grinning.

"Our first game will be Film Style! This is for Sephie, Reno and Rude!" The three stand up and walk down to the performing area, save for Reno, who skips. Now I need a style of film from the audience!"

"Drama!" Yuffie makes a face.

"Chick Flick!" Yuffie mocks vomiting violently behind her desk.

"Horror!" Yuffie grins, but shakes her head.

"Action!" Yuffie's grin widens.  
"Okay! I like action! Let's do that" Yuffie bends down and apparently writes 'Action' on a piece of paper. "Okay, you can begin now!" she says to the threesome.

**Reno:** I gotta go.  
**Rude:** Better play the tape first.  
**Reno:** Should I put this in? _(Mimes inserting a tape into a player & plays tape)_  
**Sephie:** Gentlemen. Welcome.  
**Reno:**_(quietly)_ how are you?  
**Sephie:** I can't hear you.  
**Reno & Rude:** _(louder)_ how are you?  
**Sephie:** This week, I have a mission for you. Should you wish to accept it, then you must do it.  
**Rude:** Let's fast forward to the good part.  
**Sephie:** _(fast forwarding noise)_ Repetez apres moi.  
**Reno:** Oh, a little further.  
**Sephie:** _(fast forwarding noise)_ Upstairs in the small room there is a toilet. You know the one?  
**Reno & Rude:** Aha.  
**Sephie:** It needs, and hear this, it needs ... CLEANING!  
**Rude:** It can't be done!  
**Sephie:** It can be done, man.  
**Reno:** It can be done, apparently.  
**Sephie:** But gentlemen, there is one small catch. It's just been used by Don Corneo, so it's very dangerous up there. Good luck. This tape will ... Oh, it already has.  
**Rude:** I'll bring up Don Corneo on the computer.  
**Reno:** Any idea?  
**Rude:** Yeah, he was there.  
**Reno:** I'm going to rub myself down with vegetable oil. Just 'cause it feels good.  
**Rude:** I'm going for the stairs. Quick, quick, quick.  
**Rude**_ runs for stairs, _**Reno**_ mimes pushing lift button. _**Rude**_ mimes running up many flights of stairs while _**Reno**_ stands in lift looking bored)_  
**Reno:** _(starts rubbing himself down again)_  
**Rude:** Stop that! We've got work to do.  
**Reno:** There it is. (_Pointing down at a 'toilet')_  
**Rude:** Give me those suction pads _(mimes climbing along wall with suction pads)_. I'm over the toilet.  
**Reno:** Hang on for a sec _(mimes firing grappling hook, swings over)_. I'm over the toilet.  
**Rude:** Get the brush.  
**Reno:** The brush?  
**Rude:** The brush, didn't you bring the brush?  
**Reno:** I thought you were bringing the brush. You're the brush guy.  
**Rude:** Alright, we're going to have to use your head.  
**Reno:** And the hairs from your chest _(grabs hairs)_.  
**Rude:** Ow! Three...two...one ... go, go.  
**Reno:** _(ducks head down)_ smells like Don Corneo.  
**Rude:** You've been down too long! Get up, get up!  
**Reno:** I can't ... the suction! Quick, Plan B!  
**Rude:** I'm pulling!  
**Reno:** Put the jet pack on, put the jet pack on!  
**Rude:** _(mimes flying around room on jet pack)_ on you or me?  
**Reno:** _(mines grappling hooking **Rude** and escapes)_

Yuffie buzzes them out, and all three of them return to their seats, looking relieved. "Well, that's the first time we've literally gone down the pan...ha...ha ha...oh. Never mind. A thousand points to Reno for having absurd hair and to Rude for having none." Rude starts to stand up, mock anger on his face, and walks over to Yuffie's desk. Yuffie gives him a hug.

"Hey what about me!" Reno stands up and joins in the hug. They all break up and return to their seats.

"And a thousand points for cloud for being such a bishi!" The crowd goes wild, and Cloud starts, waking up from his apparent stupor. Yuffie cackles evilly "Onto our next game! This is Just for you Cloudy-boy! This is Song styles! Before the show, we asked our audience members to write down various song styles, and now I will RANDOMLY pick one from this hat." She digs her hand into the hat, and draws out a piece of paper. "Ooooh this is good! The Style is Gospel Choir! And the subject will be..." She pauses for a moment, then grins and pulls out a toaster from underneath her desk. "...THIS TOASTER!" Cloud blinks, stands up and walks over to the toaster. He picks it up, and places it on a conviniently placed stool.

Cloud takes a deep breath, and then launches into a song. His voice a false falsetto.

"Ooh Lord, oh listen, to what I say,  
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.  
YEAH! SING!" Cloud begins to mock conduct, and then begins to sign in harmony with himself.  
"Oh Lord, away I go,  
I need my toaster, for my leggo,  
Oh Lord, yes, I need my waffles. I need waffles.  
YOU!" He pointed at a patch of air next to him, and then ran over to where he was pointing.  
"ME?" He then begins to sing again.  
"Because the Lord likes, oh likes toast." He moves back into the 'conductor's' position and speaks in an announcer's voice.  
"Right now we'll have a solo!" Rasheena, come on down!" As Rasheena, Cloud shakes his head. Then as the conductor "Come on down!" as Rasheena, he comes down, and acts nervous. Then begins to sing again.  
"Whooooooooooooooooooooooooo-oooooh!  
Hey, I love my toast,  
I love my toast,  
I don't wanna brag, I don't wanna brag, don't boast. Hey!  
I love my toast,  
I love my toast,  
you heard me first time,  
and I love my toast.  
I said it the first time,  
Oh I did not stutter,  
Oh give my my toast,  
and both sides butter.  
Hey hey!" cloud begins to sway back and forth, clapping his hands in time to the music.  
"Whooo!" Cloud mimes putting bread in toaster.  
"Hey hey!" he Mimes buttering and eating it.  
"Oh yeeeah, the Lord gave me my toast.  
Heeeeyaaeeaahh, heeeey!  
Whoooooooooooooooooo!"

Cloud then collapses, and is dragged back to his chair by Reno and Rude, who then throw a pitcher of water on him. He jolts awake, and Reno and Rude Return to their seats, grinning.

Yuffie stares at Cloud, her jaw dropped. She closes her mouth with her hand. "Wow." Yuffie then sits straight up, and grins at the camera again. " Thanks for watching, we'll be back after these commercials!" She then grabbed the hate, and threw it like a ninja-star at the camera. And hit the cameraman.

"OW!" Yells Cid (The camera man) "BEEP! BEEEEP! BEEEEEP! YUFFIE I"M GONNA BEEP KI-" The screen goes blank and then cuts to some commercials.

The camera zooms in on Yuffie, grinning, but now missing some teeth. Cid can be seen being led off in the background, sporting a black eye and a broken nose. " WELCOME BACK! This is the 'Whose line is it anyway?' premiere!" She shuffles around some index cards in her hands, and reads one. "We will now move on to a game called Question! this is for all of you, come on!" Cloud, Sephiroth, Reno, and Rude all move onto the stage. Cloud and Sephiroth on one side, Reno and Rude on the other. They all begin to make faces at each other. "In this game, the contestants will be given a scene they need to perform, but they may only do so by asking questions! Anyone who doesn't will get bussed out! And the scene is!..." Yuffie lances down at her card. "Ooo, this'll be good! The scene is you are about to break out of prison! Okay? Start!" Cloud walks into the middle of the stage, accompanied by Reno.

**Cloud:** Are you ready?  
**Reno:** Did you bring the plans?  
**Cloud:** Was I supposed to bring the plans?  
**Reno:** Don't you have them?  
**Cloud:** Do you think I should write them out now?  
**Reno:** Well isn't it a little late?  
**Cloud:** What do you mean?  
**Reno:** ... Yuffie buzzes him out  
**Rude:** Have you finished the tunnel?  
**Cloud:** The one that goes under the wall?  
**Rude:** Weren't you in charge?  
**Cloud:** No. Yuffie slams her hand onto the buzzer  
**Rude:** Wasn't that the guy who was building the tunnel?  
**Sephiroth:** Do you know him?  
**Rude:** Did he look familiar?  
**Sephiroth:** I thought I'd never seen him before in my life **BUZZ! **That's not a question, is it?  
**Rude:** Where the hell have you been?  
**Cloud:** How'd you know it was me in my disguise? _(takes off mask)_  
**Rude:** Nice mask. **BUZZ!**  
**Reno:** Warden, what are you doing here?  
**Cloud:** D'you think it's irregular if I escape with you?  
**Reno:** Would you like to come with us?  
**Cloud:** Could I?  
**Reno:** Can we stay at your summer home?  
**Cloud:** The one in Miami?  
**Yuffie: **Ooooooo **BUZZ!**  
**Cloud:** The one in _Miami? _That WAS a question! Yuffie shrugs.  
**Sephiroth:** Aren't you the governor?  
**Reno:** Yes. **BUZZ!**  
**Sephiroth:** Who's your favorite guard dog?  
**Cloud:** ... **BUZZ!**

"OKAY!" Yuffie hops out of her seat. " I have decided that Cloud has won! That means he gets to sit in my chair and buzz the buzzer at people during this last game! Our last game is HOEDOWN!" Reno giggles. She glances to where Cloud was sitting, but he isn't there. She turns back to her seat, where Cloud is now sitting, his feet up on her desk, playing with a piece of materia. "Okaaaay. I'm creeped out now. Anyway. What should our hoedown be about?" Reno giggles, louder this time. Yuffie turns to the audience for suggestions.

The entire left section yells "NIGHTMARES!". Yuffie jumps a few feet into the air, then calms down a bit.

"Okay. That was creepy too." She glances at Reno, Rude and Sephiroth, who shrug, and form a line next to her. "This is now the 'Nightmare hoedown'! " Reno collapses on the floor, and begins to roll around laughing. Rude then kicks him. Reno gets up, dusts himself off, and coughs into his hand. Yuffie eyes them for a moment, but resumes her announcing.

"Hoe." Mutters Reno, grinning.

Elena pounds a few keys on the piano, and Tseng joins her in the stereotypical 'Hoedown' beginning. Reno is the first to step forward. He begins marching in place and signing.

"When I go to sleep, I have nightmares all the time,  
I have this weird dream, that I'm covered in lime.  
And then a giant licks me, really really hard,  
And by the time he's finished, I've turned to a lump of... lard."

The group stares at him oddly as he backs back into line. Reno Shrugs at them and mouths 'What?' Then Sephiroth steps forward, a begins to sing.  
"I have lots of nightmares, and I try to be brave,  
I'm covered in vaseline with my mum in a cave.  
Then in the morning, I wake up from a chance,  
And in there in my bed, is Cloud in my pants."

Cloud gapes at Sephiroth, who high-fives Yuffie. She steps forward and starts to sing as well.  
"Every night I go to sleep, I go to sleep each night,  
And when I have a horrible dream it gives me quite a fright.  
I'm at a carnival and a big cotton candy I've won,  
I eat it, eat it, when I wake up I find my pillow's gone."

Yuffie grins, then flips back to her original position, leaving Rude to step forward. He does so nervously.  
"When I go to sleep at night, you know my biggest fear,  
That walking around my room is some sort of cre-cheer." Rude tries to say 'creature', but fails and grimaces. " Wait, can I start over?" The other three shake their head, and try not to laugh. " Fine."

"When I go to sleep, I'm so afraid of the dark,  
Then one night I turned on the lights just for a lark.  
Argh! Right before me is a really ug-ly cre-cheer,  
Then I real-lise... that I'm looking in the mirr'r.

Reno, Yuffie, and Sephiroth step forward to join him, and They all sing:  
" Looking in the mirr'r!"

Yuffie goes back to her desk, kicks Cloud off of her chair, and sits down again, grinning at the camera. "Right! This has been 'Whose line is it anyway?'! Join Us again next Week for another episode!" Reno now jumps on top of her desk to dance, and Sephiroth and Yuffie join him. The camera cuts away as Reno tosses his jacket to some fan girls.

**If you: Cried, Laughed, Liked it, Hated it; REVEIW IT!**


End file.
